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This blog post can also be heard on the Parenting in Real Life Podcast – Episode 74.
Before we had kids, Alan and I were pretty patient people. Even when my sisters and I would fight when we were teenagers, I would never be the one yelling. I felt in control of my emotions and pretty optimistic about things. Then we had kids. 5 of them. And they sure do know how to push our buttons.
So for the last several years, we’ve been learning how to be more patient parents. From articles, programs, podcasts, and books that we’ve learned from, we wanted to share our best tips with you. Hopefully one or two of these will stick out and help you get one step closer to being a more patient parent. It’s an ongoing battle that we get a little bit better at step by step.
Why is it so hard to be a patient parent?
First thing’s first, it’s not your fault that things get hard. There’s a lot of advice and a lot of it is conflicting. There’s also a lot of judgement, but not a lot of help. Parenting can also be pretty lonely and often confusing.
Our brain is built to deal with stress that lasts about 30 seconds. The brain is not designed for long-term stress when you feel like you have no control. When we get stressed, we stop thinking, and often, we stop functioning well. The patient parent goes out the window. Then when things go wrong, everything begins to feel like an emergency – things have to stop right that moment!
We’ve been doing research over the last several years, and here are the best tips we’re learned so far that help us be more patient parents.
Chill Out
Lower your expectations for your kids and how it reflects on you. If your kids hit each other, you’re not a bad parent. Your kids aren’t beyond saving and you can always start over the next day or even the next hour. You’re going to make mistakes and children are pretty forgiving.
Also, be aware of what’s actually appropriate for that age. We can often think we have “the problem child,” but what they’re doing is usually pretty normal for their age.
Be an active listener
It’s important that we listen rather than lecture our children. Parents also need to validate their feelings. We made a resource from the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber – all about handling emotions and resolving conflict. We put together her best tips for a quickly accessible toolkit you can have on your phone, hang on your fridge, or to keep at your desk.
Don’t take it all so personally
Nothing your kids do is because of you. These are their problems that they’re working through. Try to see your child who they really are and look beyond their current behavior. Ralphie Jacobs from Simple on Purpose says to “Look for the good and soon it’s all you’ll see.” We’ve also mentioned “Water what you want to grow.” Focus on the positive things your child does and soon you’ll notice those things more and they will too.
Clear and consistent expectations
As parents, we often have unrealistic expectations for what our kids should be able to do. Make sure the expectations you do have for your children are clear and consistent. We love chore charts, bedtime routines, and morning routines before school. Just make sure your kids know what you expect them to do so that when they don’t do it and get in trouble, they know the reason.
Give yourself a time out
This is a great one that we learned from the time our kids were babies. If you feel like you’re about to explode or say or do something you’ll regret, it’s totally ok to remove yourself from the situation. Make sure your kids are safe and then take a few minutes to yourself alone, where you can calm down. Then go back and address the situation in a calm way.
Try whispering instead of yelling
It’s surprising how effective this one can be. Your kids are looking for a change in your voice. See if whispering gets their attention too.
Adjust your busy schedule
One way to reduce stress is to adjust your busy schedule. Have your kids be in less activities or maybe you need to be in less activities (at least that’s often my problem. I like to be involved!). Allow for more time for everyone to be home so you aren’t racing all over town to different practices and activities. We’re more likely to be calm when we aren’t stressed.
Give yourself way more time than you need to go anywhere
Another stressful thing is trying to get all the kids out the door with their shoes on, into the car, and on time somewhere. It’s inevitable that your baby will have a blowout, your toddler can’t find their shoe, and your other kids don’t want to go to wherever you’re going. Give yourself some extra time for those mishaps to happen so you can still get to where you’re going on time.
What are your best tips for being a patient parent?
Don’t forget to listen this podcast episode as we dive more into each topic and you can find us on instagram!
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