You can listen to this topic on our podcast Parenting in Real Life episode 83. We are also Amazon affiliates and we get paid a small amount for the purchases you make from our links. Thanks for supporting us!
We interviewed Life Coach Christi Davis who focuses on helping mothers enjoy their teens. She had so many great tips to share for parents who have teens or will have teens. Our oldest is 10 years old so we’re just a few years from the teenage years, but we’re starting to feel some of it already. Here are 6 tips to helping you better enjoy your teenager.
Enjoy your teenager and let them know
Christi’s first tip is to enjoy your teenager and let them know. She shared a story about her dad who was a dentist. She worked in his office as a teenager and people would come in and ask him about his family. He told them that he had four teenagers and people would comment on how hard that must be, but he would respond and say, “Are you kidding? They’re the best! I love teenagers!” And she would feel so proud to be his daughter. Set the tones for your relationship and let your teenagers know that you enjoy being around them.
What’s one of the most common problems you see?
One of the biggest problems that Christi sees in her coaching is that parents think that their kids are really disrespectful. That their kids are rude to them, that they’re mean to their siblings, they’re making bad choices, they’re not doing what the parents want them to do, or they’re just generally so unpleasant to be around. When she digs into that a little bit, what she often finds out is that the parents are nagging the kids to death. In a very well-intended attempt to teach them, they’re way overdoing it. Then the kids are pushing back and trying to get some space. So what parents think is going to be helpful, they end up overcompensating and they kind of make it worse. So, nag less and enjoy your teenager more.
Parenting roles change
I love this analogy that Christi shared about parenting that she heard from a marriage and family therapist. She talked about that when we start out as parents and our kids are small, we’re like the little league coach and we’re out there on the field with them and we’re turning them sideways and telling them which way to run. We’re super involved!
Then as they get a little older, we become more like a high school coach who is still practicing with them, calling the plays, and then sending them out to do it.
Then at some point, and this is different for every kid, we become the cheerleader. When you’re the cheerleader, your kids are still in the home. We’re still watching and aware of all the plays that are going on, but we’re not calling all of the shots. We’re supporting our kids 100% and then eventually they’re going to move out and be on their own. And our goal is to get to where we are a spectator.
The spectator is when we’re their biggest fans and we’re at all the important events and they know we’re supporting them, but we’re not in it with them anymore. So the tricky part about that whole analogy is to figure out, cause it’s constantly shifting, when am I the coach? When am I a cheerleader? Is it time to change that balance? It’s different for each kid. The important thing is that you’re building a relationship with them so that when they need you, they feel comfortable coming to you no matter what stage they’re in.
how can we foster our relationship?
Something that Christi recommends is not taking things so personally. When kids are toddlers and they’re throwing a tantrum, they can yell, “I hate you mom!” Sometimes it’s a little hurtful, but for the most part we know our toddler doesn’t hate us and he’s going to give you a hug in five minutes.
When your child is a teenager and they’re slamming the door and yelling, “I hate you, mom!” it’s a little bit harder to not take that personally. The better we can get at that, the better our relationship is going to be. As soon as we get defensive, [when you start thinking: how dare you talk to me that way after everything I’ve done!] then we’ve immediately created a conflict. We do have the option of staying calm and staying loving through that whole thing and allowing them to feel whatever they have to feel. Teenagers have a lot of feelings and emotions and a lot of new things that they’re dealing with. You can enjoy your teenager more by being aware of their feelings. Awareness is the first step.
When your teen has a bad attitude
What do you do when your teenager is a little storm cloud around the house? Christi finds that what parents usually want to do is to take charge of the situation and not allow that kind of behavior, but we can’t cure meanness with meanness.
One of our main jobs as the parent is to be the one to set the tone and to not let this little ball of chaos that might come in after school throw everybody else off. It’s our job to learn how to hold our own peace and our own calm through all of that. Then model that for our teenager.
And then when we can, we hold boundaries. If there’s something that’s really inappropriate going on, then we can ask them to be in their room until they can be nice or whatever boundary you set. The real secret there is to learn. To do all of that while not getting sucked into their drama.
Sometimes you may worry that their behavior will be a bad influence on younger children or that they’re setting a bad example. When really, younger kids can learn some pretty valuable things from watching the way we interact with that teenager and the way we teach them to interact with that teenager. Those other children are probably looking to us to know how to handle when somebody has behavior like that. They really need us to guide them through how to allow other people to be who they’re going to be since we can’t control that, but how to love them without getting sucked in to their emotions.
Setting Boundaries
As parents we can try to set boundaries with our children for things we really feel strongly about. Some kids understand boundaries when you explain it to them and they follow those boundaries. Other kids will push them and may not follow them at all. Christi tells a great story about her son who kept sneaking out of the house. Find out that story on our podcast episode! It’s so good!
Christi also said that part of the thing that gets in parents’ way is they set the boundaries, but then they’re really upset when their child hates the boundary and throws a fit and slams the door and yells at them. Then they think that something has gone wrong. And they ask themselves what they should do differently so that their child doesn’t hate this boundary?
Turns out, that’s just part of it. If you know in your heart that this is a boundary worth keeping, even if it’s a strain on the relationship, and you feel like it’s that important, then you’re doing your part and your child’s gets to choose how they feel about that boundary. They may hate it. They may push back. They may completely disregard it. We have to get really clear on which things are in our control and which ones are not. When boundaries become a problem is when the parents get upset because the child is upset. Empathize with your kid, talk to them about it, but be ok if they’re mad or frustrated.
We loved chatting with Christi all about learning to enjoy your teenagers. Make sure to check out her website Christi Davis Coaching and follow her on instagram for more great tips!
What’s your best advice to better enjoy your teenager?